Thursday, September 30, 2004

Dear Julie...(2)

So, I guess that it's time. Time to deal with it again. I don't know how to do it though. How do I accept this? How do I help my friends but try to help myself at the same time? My mom has told me that I need to start focusing on me, but I can't do it. All I can think about is how I'm letting everyone down. I should be there, to support, to talk, to be with everyone but at the same time, mom doesn't think it's a good idea. Why is that? Why can't I? Why doesn't she want me to come home? I know that she is thinking of me but what about my friends? My friends who sounded so excited about the prospect of me coming home. How do I deal with that? With the pain of knowing that I let them down--that I am letting them down not only this time, but probably in the future too. How?

Julie, I hope that, in some way, my trip to the home tomorrow will be glorifying you. I don't know how, but hopefully it will. Hopefully I will know how to do this by being with people that you would have spent so much of your time with. That you would have been happy to dedicate your life to. I think about you all the time Julie. I wonder how you are, where you are. How we can learn to live without you, how your parents can learn to live without you.

Julie, be with Mark and Erin tomorrow. Be with Joey and Dustin and Lucian and Shawn. Be with your mom and dad and your sisters. Be with us all and help us to feel your prescence--to know that you are there. We need your help--we can't do this without your help and guidance.

Be with us Julie. Never leave us. Help us to know that what is coming for all of us will be okay. That we will be together in the end, whenever that end may come.

We love you Julie and always will.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Dear Julie...

It's been nearly a year. A full year in two days. It is so hard to believe and even harder to understand how this is possible. A year without your smile, your love, your passion. I don't know how, but somehow we made it through. So what do we do next? What do you want us to do? You know that all of us think about you daily--you are truly in our hearts and minds every day, at least in mine. Do we sit around and think about all of the pain we have been through because of your leaving us, about the pain that you might have endured before you died? No, I think we need to focus on your life. Like my mom said, focus on something that Julie would have wanted you to do. And it is so true. You were never the type of person who wanted to be in the forefront, in the spotlight. Somehow though, because of someone's or something's master plan, you were.

And still are.

And life will never really be the same. Ever. And that is okay. Things can change as long as we know why or for what purpose. Your love and life, Julie, filled everyone. You had such an enormous amount of beauty and faith in people and God. So how can I celebrate you? How can I even try to justify your life with a good act? Accept people for who they are--never think about the negative but give people the benefit of the doubt. Love everyone as if it were the last day that you would see them. Be with them, be them. And maybe, just maybe, you'll find yourself on the way there. Maybe, somehow, I can celebrate your life--not necessarily by talking about you but by actually doing something. Making a difference, showing that other people are more important. By having faith, showing love, and accepting whatever happens.

So, should I shed more tears? Will my tears help anything? Will they ever go away? I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile and know that you are here, that you ALWAYS will be. I don't want to be angry anymore, no more confusion. Please Julie, let me know that you are okay and that someone is protecting you and not letting any harm come to you. Please help me to be patient and wait--to know that the answers will come in their own time, that I shouldn't focus on the answers but instead just think about all of the amazing, wonderful things that have happened and will happen because of October 1, 2003. A love happens, a lasting friendship.

And maybe, just maybe...if all of the people that you affected unite together to help someone else feel loved, we would understand why it happened. Why God chose to take you at this time. Why He "needed" you. Julie, please just help us to be.

Monday, September 27, 2004

thank whoever for friends...

I was reminded last night of how truly awesome my friends are--both old and new. I got back from Springfield and was really unsure of what was going on around me. I have been in such a weird mood lately and it has definitely continued on. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately--about friends, God, life, death, etc. and wishing that I knew the answers, that God would somehow give me some of his divine powers if I just prayed, if I just went to Mass again. But I know that this isn't possible, that I won't know anything until I die. I won't know where I go, where anyone goes. I won't know if I will feel pain or if my friends, family, etc. will feel pain of my passing. But do I really want to know? Is pain worth knowing about ahead of time? It will still feel the same, hurt just as much. I can't focus on the pain or I will never get anywhere (a good friend told me). I have to focus on life and how wonderful it all can be. That's what it is all about anyway. I need to let go of the bigger picture and focus on the here and now. I need to let go of my inhibitions and just be myself--just know that I can be the only one who is truly me--that I can be myself and be happy (even if it is just me that is happy about it).

So then, I guess the question is who am I? It sounds so gorky, so childish, but it is the question at this time that makes the most sense for me to really think about. But am I ready? I used to know who I was--what I believed in, what values I held. But what has so drastically changed that now, I cannot even bear to think about it--not bear to think about WHO I AM! How hard is that? I mean, Meredith Brooks wrote a whole song about it...so why can't I just suscribe to her view of self? It would be so much easier!

because that would be fake. that wouldn't be me, that would be her. so I guess that I start my process sometime soon, maybe next time....

Thursday, September 23, 2004

funk

So, you know those hours, days, weeks where you just seem to be in a rut? Those days, weeks, whatever that you aren't sure what is going on. You feel doubtful about your decisions and actions and then doubt yourself and others' views of you. So I just had my week and I had the most amazing night with three friends to pull me back out of it. So I met up with my new friend Mattie and we watched the first part of the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" BUT due to our school's crazy rules, we had to stop at midnight. So, he decided that he was going to walk me back to my dorm. So we end up going back and hanging out and talking for about an hour and then my friends Jeanette and Sharla saw us sitting and talking and we all started hanging out, until 2am although I still had to do a shitload of homework still to do. Oh well, sometimes other things are more important. So then, we were bored and decided to dance around on the soccer field, an equally good time. Got harassed by several drunk people, etc.

The thing about last night was that I once again was reminded of how selfish I am. How I don't realize that other people are going through stuff too. Everyone. Everyone has their thing and I need to learn that I am NOT the most troubled in the world although I act like it at times.

I have so much to learn. So much to learn about people, the world, my friends, my family, myself. It's like in Garden State...have I been numb? I believe that I have always felt love, pain, etc, but what about right now? GOD, I'm doing it again, pitying myself.

So Julie's anniversary is coming up and I have been thinking about it nonstop. It's okay though, I just need to visit her. That will help, or just to visit some friends, or something.

I'm leaving for Springfield tomorrow to go see Shannon's play. Hopefully I'll have fun. I guess we'll see.


Monday, September 20, 2004

my paper

It has been an interesting day. I seemed to forget lots of things today...my keys, my paper that was due today, the fact that I have an exam tomorrow, or that little four page paper that is also due tomorrow. I think that my problem is that I am writing about something that is too close to my heart. Maybe that is always my problem--I always let things get too close to me. I overanalyze, think way too much about little things.

My paper is on Down syndrome, but for me, when someone talks about DS, it means way more than a chromosomal abnormality. My cousin Emily has DS. She is 23 years old and has been an amazing source of inspiration throughout my life. Emily is now 22 and has always been very short. But, when we were younger, we were the same height and people would often ask if we were twins because our moms liked to put us in the same outfits. On top of that, we both had bright long blonde hair. (Obviously, I don't have that anymore). Anyways...one year, I learned completely and totally what it was like to know and live with someone who has DS. I went to YMCA summer camp when I was younger and always loved it. Then, one year, my mom asked if Emily could go along with me and if that would be okay. Me, loving my cousin a whole lot and not wanting to upset anyone, said yes. It was so challenging but so rewarding at the same time. I learned so much from Emily. I still don't understand how she stays in such a good mood all of the time--she never lets things affect her. She looks at the situation and realizes that she is smarter than the person making fun of her. If only I could learn to do that--my life would be so much more resolved. I learned that summer how STUPID people are--how rude, disrespectful, and how, if you don't know anyone with a disability, you often don't know how to "treat them." Well, all I know is that she is the most normal girl I know, so that is how I treat her. She is my cousin and my inspiration.

Emily talks to people all of the time about what it is like to live with Down syndrome. She doesn't accept her disabilites. She works to surpass them. And here I am complaining about writing some paper. How selfish.

Well, back to work...let's see if this helped clear my mind a little.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

time

this weekend passed by me so slowly. All of a sudden, though, Sunday is here and I know that I have to go to classes in the morning. get the books out, search the web, get different books out, pretend to study, but instead write in my journal. It is a beautiful day and I can't see myself sitting inside all day long but that is exactly what I have done. Sat here and looked outside, listened to music and just sat. No doubt that I enjoyed it. I cleaned today. My little tiny dorm room that will never be clean.--dusting, cleaning, vacuuming, making it smell better. For me, cleaning is never a necessity, but ever since I was a kid, I go through cleaning spurts. When I know that I can't handle anything else, I look around me and decide that my life is dirty, too cluttered. So, I clean. I put things up on the walls, get out the pledge wipes and disenfectant and clean. It's almost therapeutic.

after I clean, my life is full of color. Under all of the dust and grime, beauty comes through...in the finger paintings my friends made for me, in the flowers, the sky, the purse that I feel compelled to use. I see things more clearly, even if it is only until the next layer of dust comes and takes over.

the breeze from outside is blowing into my room. It brings me comfort and a sense of peace. But I know that this sense of peace doesn't really exist in my life right now. I am confused and withdrawn. I feel that I am more self absorbed but at the same time, unable to think about myself and my needs. oh, there was a big one. The whistling sound reminds me of when I was a kid and I hung out with a friend named Kate. We would sit outside for hours on end just laying in the grass and talking, looking at clouds, not worrying about what we would face. We were just kids. We didn't know that in a few years, Betty would die or that we wouldn't even be friends anymore. God, we were so naive. And not surprisingly, I would give anything to have a little of that childishness back. Now, I feel like I am constantly worried about what others are thinking about what others believe me to be.

oh well. screw them.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

being me

why am I never good enough? not skinny enough, not perfect enoguh. I can never seem to get it right. I fix one thing and then automatically something else goes wrong. I sit here and cry and wonder if there will ever be someone who will actually accept me for who I am, not for who I portray myself to be. I just want to be myself but it never happens. I'm always ending up being whatever other people want me to be--I want to please everyone, not let anyone down. But in the end, I'm letting myself down. I don't know how to deal with it all. when can I be happy? I try so hard to make everyone else happy but when is it my turn? Will my turn ever come?>?????????? I need a slap...a reality check. Whether it comes in the form of someone who will love me unconditionally--not stop because I say the wrong thing or wear the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I want someone to look at me and think I am the most beautiful person, both inside and out. How does this happen, though, when I look at myself in disgust? All I see is bad. I will never be good enough--not for my parents, for my friends, for myself.

but somewhere, really deep inside, I know that I will be okay. Someday, I pray, someday that someone will come and take me away from my insecurities, from my doubts, from my ugliness. Take me and make me feel loved. please, make me feel needed, wanted, loved. help me to know that I am worth the trouble.

life happens.

sometimes life takes something and smacks you across the face to remind you how precious our time on earth is. for me, this "something" comes in many different forms. a movie, a child, a smile, a song, a phone call, a car accident, a death. my current things--garden state, my new niece or nephew, my cousin last night as we got tipsy, let it be, kyle's friend, julie. i wonder why i have gotten smacked so often lately. i must need it but its killing me...every time it hits me, it gets harder. i don't want to go on at times, but then, the next hit comes and all of sudden i'm back in the world. i know what i'm supposed to do and i do it. but what happens between the hits?

life happens.

loss of a friend and loss of even greater friends because of change. because of time. loss of faith in god--whatever god there may be happens. a god that has been there for me for my entire life and I know is still there now just disappears to me. I don't know how to find him back. I don't know how to understand that everyone comes into my life and everything happens for a reason. do any of us ever fully understand? are we doomed to walk this planet, this BEAUTIFUL planet, never needing to understand why we are here in the first place? is the mystery of life the thing that makes it all the more precious? all the more beautiful?

i wish i could hug my mom.

Friday, September 10, 2004

wow...

Blah...it feels like I never get away from doing the same things. I think the same things each day, I go through the motions all the time. New and exciting things are happening to everyone around me. Gina is having a baby which I am so happy about, in fact, I bought a cute little towel/blanket today for the baby. Mel is having problems with her family. Am I numb to everything? How is it that I show emotions but don't really feel them? How does that work? I haven't had a good solid cry in a long time, maybe that's it...

Thursday, September 09, 2004

my first day

I don't know who will be reading this...but I guess it is more of a site just for me. To make sure I write out my feelings like everyone has always told me to.