Monday, September 27, 2004

thank whoever for friends...

I was reminded last night of how truly awesome my friends are--both old and new. I got back from Springfield and was really unsure of what was going on around me. I have been in such a weird mood lately and it has definitely continued on. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately--about friends, God, life, death, etc. and wishing that I knew the answers, that God would somehow give me some of his divine powers if I just prayed, if I just went to Mass again. But I know that this isn't possible, that I won't know anything until I die. I won't know where I go, where anyone goes. I won't know if I will feel pain or if my friends, family, etc. will feel pain of my passing. But do I really want to know? Is pain worth knowing about ahead of time? It will still feel the same, hurt just as much. I can't focus on the pain or I will never get anywhere (a good friend told me). I have to focus on life and how wonderful it all can be. That's what it is all about anyway. I need to let go of the bigger picture and focus on the here and now. I need to let go of my inhibitions and just be myself--just know that I can be the only one who is truly me--that I can be myself and be happy (even if it is just me that is happy about it).

So then, I guess the question is who am I? It sounds so gorky, so childish, but it is the question at this time that makes the most sense for me to really think about. But am I ready? I used to know who I was--what I believed in, what values I held. But what has so drastically changed that now, I cannot even bear to think about it--not bear to think about WHO I AM! How hard is that? I mean, Meredith Brooks wrote a whole song about it...so why can't I just suscribe to her view of self? It would be so much easier!

because that would be fake. that wouldn't be me, that would be her. so I guess that I start my process sometime soon, maybe next time....

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