Wednesday, October 13, 2004

worry worry worry

I'm supposed to be writing my paper right now. Instead, I decide to procrastinate even more by writing. Will this help me finish my paper? Probably not...but oh well.

Do you ever worry so much about a person and their well-being that you just get sick of it all?
Sick of having to worry about whether they are making good decisions, smart choices. I worry too much, I know. Everyone tells me that. I'm too motherly, I'm overly-sensitive, I worry too much, I'm too emotional. Truth be told, that is just me. I can't help it--trust me, if I could change it, I would indefinitely. I focus on issues too much--I play and replay conversations in my head until I go nuts with all of the possibilities.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

so busy...

Whew...it seems like life is trying to send me a signal. I need to step back. I am taking on too many things, my neck pain is back in full force and this time, I don't think that yoga will get rid of it. But how do I become a bitch? How do I tell people no when all I want to do is please everyone that I can, to make sure that everyone is okay and happy? How can I please everybody and yet still try to make some time for myself? My body is on its way to shutting down, to pushing everybody away again. I know that I can't help everybody, but how do I convice myself of that. I can't help everybody. But I don't want to. I don't want to shut down but I am tired of trying to do things on my own. I am tired of not being able to ask for help. I don't know where I need help from, but I know, in my heart, that I need help.

I need help.

Whether the help comes from a God above, from a friend, or from a perfect stranger, I need someone to tell me that it will all be okay if I just let go. If I just let go of this want to control things, this need to make sure that everyone is okay. I have to find out for myself that if I don't interfere for once, that things will be okay. I am tired of trying to play God. I tried it and obviously, it doesn't work. Things still don't go as I want them to. So do I need help from God? Yeah, her help would probably be good.

I need to find God in myself. If I can't see the good, the God in myself, how am I to show my good to others? God, I need you. Even though I may have pushed you away so much in the past, I know that I need you. I need that feeling of unconditional love that I can't find anywhere else. But how do I get back to where I used to be? Will I ever? How do I accept you back? When will I understand that you do love me and my friends and my family and that you don't do things to hurt me, to punish me, to show me that I did something wrong. Will I have to realize this before I am ready to open myself to your power?

There is so much pain inside of me. But it is no longer a pain of grief or anger. Now, all I have inside is loneliness. I have a gaping hole where you used to be. Where my shatki resided. Please God, help me to love myself and realize that I am worth the time.

"I found God in myself....and I loved her, I loved her fiercely."