Monday, November 29, 2004

can't be so...

Cancer Horoscope for week of November 25, 2004

Psychologist James Hillman says that taking action to correct social and economic injustice in the world can serve as powerful psychotherapy. In some cases, it may even be a more effective way to transmute one's personal pain than talking endlessly about the pain with a therapist. That thought is the seed of my advice for you, Cancerian. In the coming weeks, the sure cure for your problems--even your most uncomfortable enigma--is to take your mind off yourself and summon all your emotionally rich ingenuity to help others.

WOW! Just when I think that you can't trust horoscopes, this one is so correct that I was amazed when I read it. I've been thinking so much about this--how I need to stop focusing on myself and think about others and what they are going through. It's their turn, not mine.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

back to school...

What a great was so nice to get a break from school, from people, from my life here at school. So much so that I can't wait until Christmas break. It often feels like I lead a double life...most of the time, the person I am at school is a much different person than who I am at home. It's not necessarily a fun double life like Clark Kent or Peter Parker might have, but it exists. Oh well...

This past week that I was at home for Thanksgiving was so awesome. I spent time with family and friends and realized just how lucky I am. I am so blessed to have a great group of people surrounding me, that loves me, and cares for me. Whether it was time spent in the hot tub with my two best friends with our "hot tub talk" or painting with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I felt surrounded by love, a feeling that I often take for granted because it hides pretty well at times. I felt fulfilled. When surrounded by this love, I feel as if I can do anything that I want to--that could mean going to Peru for study abroad or knowing that I have the support to do the Peace Corps if I want.

Thank you for spending time with me. You mean so much to me--always have and always will despite where we go throughout our lives... we'll always have Chicago and bridesmaids....

Much love and luck the next couple of weeks. I don't know how often I'll be posting because of finals, but I will certainly try.

Monday, November 22, 2004

and you call yourself a Christian...

A forethought: This post is dedicated to my friend Sharla's boyfriend Will and the conservative Christian coalition.

"And they'll know we are Christians by our love..."

So many of us are familiar with this popular Christian hymn that I quoted above. I am extremely familiar with this song and the things that it professes and stands for. I was raised in the Catholic faith and attended a Catholic grade school (St. Vincent's) and a Catholic high school as well (St. Francis Borgia). In fact, I know attend a Jesuit college in Kansas City called Rockhurst University(which is a lot more conservative than I would like it to be). I was raised in a liberal family with parents who preached acceptance of all people despite age, sex, race, or sexual preference. They also taught me to stand up for what I believe in despite who I may be fighting or arguing against. So, I suppose because of them, I am extremely opinionated when it comes to tolerance of all people. So much of your upbringing and your parent's beliefs influence what you believe in turn and I consider myself to be very lucky that I have the parents that I do. I feel as if I am very open-minded as well as opinionated (most of the time--I will admit that there are many things that I just don't understand though) Anyways...

I was spending some time at my grandparents' house this past week/weekend (explains the non-posting week) when, on Friday morning, I picked up their copy of the Washington Times. I flipped through it until I came across an article about Bush and his plan for his next amendment that would make sure that a marriage would be defined as between a man and a woman. Blah...having many friends who are gay, this drives me crazy. They are citizens just as we are citizens and taking away their right to marry whomever they choose seems to me as unconstitutional. So, I finished the article and was overwhelmed by a sense of nausea and my stomach beginning to ache. I continue to flip through the paper, hoping, that by some chance, a happy article could get rid of this ache. I flip the page again and see the headline "St. Gay" that goes along with a picture of man with a halo around his head. I read on and discovered that this is an advertisment put out by a weekly Catholic review/newspaper. It takes the shape of a fake newspaper article (essentially, a faketicle). The faketicle talked about how the gay community is attempting to canonize a man named Gaylord who was living happily with his partner until he was murdered (hate crime). These "people" are perpetuating bad moral values and causing the value of marriage to decline. The faketicle continued to say (subliminally of course) that if you bought a subscription to this magazine/review, that you would be supporting the good moral values that the Catholic religion provides for you to believe in.

Are you kidding me? Once being a part of the Catholic church, I read this and was ashamed. To not only proclaim the Church's opinion on gay marriages but to make fun of the gay community outright! I was extremely offended and began to cry. Cry. I finished the faketicle and then got up and went to the bathroom to try and gather myself. I got back out and my grandma was there waiting. She asked if I was okay and I told her that something in the paper had upset me. She kind of laughed until she realized that I was serious. She told me that God would take care of it. I said nothing.

My question in the hell does God take care of things that these religious groups say that She doesn't agree with? Hmm...

So why is this post also dedicated to Will? Well...I was "babysitting" Will the other night when Sharla was busy at a response for the play that she was involved in. I was supposed to entertain Will for about an hour and so we went to the Broadway Café, a great little coffee shop in a liberal area of KC called Westport. (Side note: BC was completely packed while the Starbucks that was built down the street was virtually empty...yay small business owners! BOO corporations!) Anyways...we got a table after sitting outside in the cold for a while and started chatting about our political views (which are fairly similar) and about our virtually opposite upbringings. His mother was/is an extremely religious person and Will was very sheltered growing up. He was taught the whole way through his religious-based school about how God and Jesus are lords over all, homosexuality is caused by the devil, and that any views other than the ones his religion teaches are wrong. Will told me that the first time he realized that it was okay to say the word "sex" wasn't until he was 14 when he went to a school dance. On top of that, when he was 16 at youth group, he stuck up for gays during a discussion on how to defend your religion if someone brought up the "sin of homosexuality." Because he stuck up for the other side, he began to be accused of being gay, something that he totally laughed off. But, he did mention that he got mailings all of the time from these places that were camps for "degayification" (NOT JOKING!). The best thing he says he got was a big poster that said "Jesus loves you no matter who they are" with a big smiley face on it. He told me that he always wanted to add "as long as you love a member of the opposite sex..." The rumors finally stopped after 4 months, but not until the church had completely shunned him. He never went back. When he met Sharla and starting dating her at 16 and started falling in love, he began to shift to the other side even more. Will's mom hates Sharla because she "took Will away from God"....or something like that. (For the record: Sharla is an amazing girl who believes whole-heartedly in God...BUT, oh shit...she's liberal!) It amazed me that although he has such a different upbringing, that we can still arrive at the same conclusions about life and people in general. Will's mom is part of a group that is completely and totally opposed to homosexuality called the Christian Coalition. They support many anti-gay publications, including, "The Gay Agenda" by Paul Volle of the CC of Maine. I encourage you to check this group out and ask yourself how they can exclude groups and still call themselves Christians, people who accept and love all people.

So what's my view on the whole thing? How can people call themselves Christians if they exlude groups that they feel are wrong and therefore don't have to love? Or, what's worse, think that they can change? Or that they have the RIGHT to change them? Ignorance, ladies and gentlemen...ignorance. What's I a bad Christian because I feel as if they have the right to do what they want, instead of wanting a group of white, upper class Christians to decide every law for this country?

It is not my right to decide whether they can or can not marry the person they choose. Gay marriages will never be a true issue for me because I like people of the opposite sex. ALL that I can say is love is NOT a threat to marriage. I am apalled that despite the current situation of marriage in this country (i.e. highest rate of divorce), that we can say that the sanctity of marriage is threatened by allowing two women or two men that are in love to marry each other.

Sadly, I know that nothing will be done in the near future to push for the rights of gays and lesbians but I have some very good friends who are trying to do just that. Best of luck....

Much love to everyone and please continue to stand up and be heard...have a good day!

Saturday, November 13, 2004


Cigarette by Yellowcard is playing in the background of this post, and understand this, here are the lyrics:

Watching the days burning out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go
You built me up and you broke me down somehow
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now
And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)
Intoxicated the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time, but you blushed the last time my eyes in your mind
Regenerated these feelings of hatred, I long for your love evermore
You built me up and you broke me down this time
And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now

How can you say

Do you ever wonder, I mean really wonder, if your one true person really exists? People always say that there is always a perfect match...but what if you fuck it up with them? Are you destined to be alone, unhappy, solo for your life? Does that one person exist who doesn't want you to change...who wants you to be who you are and who is completely and totally in love with YOU. The person who doesn't care what you look like or feel like...the person that will constantly be there for you. Do we have to search? Or, if it is meant to be...does that one person just automatically come due to destiny or karma or something?

Love. Pure love. Do guys worry about this as much as most girls do? A love that will keep going...a love like my parents have had for 28 years...a love that my grandparents have had for 57 and 60 years. Can you really give up on a love that lasts that long? Like in the can you say that it's too late to save us now. If it really is this true love, this pure love, will you ever need to worry about saving it? Does it come naturally?

I guess that now, the only thing left to say is...I'm waiting...

Friday, November 12, 2004

a mood to end all moods...

Listening to Yellowcard, reading about Yellowcard, and thinking about Yellowcard have been dominating my life the past few days. I'm not really sure as to why. I think that maybe it's because I identify with a lot of their songs--with a lot of their lyrics. I love it...that's it.

Anyways, despite my current overly-obsessive YC mood, I'm doing fine.

Staying quiet, keeping to myself, staying out of the drama that always seems to surround me here at school. Despite the fact that I try to stay out and that I think it is finished, I always find something out that drags me right back in. I'm a laid back person but yet so many people here cause me to be so high-strung. I worry too much, I know...but so much of what happens here at school gives me just cause to worry. I feel as if I really only have one person here at school that I can tell anything to and that I know for SURE that nothing of what I say will get back around. I've always needed someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of and not having that here hurts.

It hurts that I have no one to talk to, yet I can't talk to anyone else but someone from here because so many of the things that I need to vent about can only be understood by someone that knows all of the characters. I hate venting now. I feel as if I'm shutting down. I don't want to let anyone in anymore because if I do, I will ultimately be hit across the face with it. It will always be..."remember that time that you were a bitch?" or "I hated being around you..." Thanks people! Thanks a whole fucking lot. I go to school here. That doesn't mean that I have to share my life story or my secrets with you. We are friends, yes, but that does not mean that we have to know everything about each other. If I'm a bitch one day, there are probably two or three of your days that match my one. So just let me have my days, sometimes I need them.

We all do.

Despite the drama, I'm still gettting good grades and was inducted tonight into the Spanish Honors Society, Sigma Delta Pi. Yay...another thing to put on the resume for grad school, another weekly meeting. Going to Lawrence tomorrow for a wonderful dance production by our choreographer Susan from the show we created last year (Lost). Very excited to be going with good friends to get off of this campus.

Despite the overly-evident pessimism in this post, things are going well. I need a break, but I don't want to go home. I need a break from people, a retreat, a time to be all by myself. I just want to think, to feel the feelings that I've been supressing for a while now. Perhaps I should go for a drive, maybe that would help...

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

let the sickness begin...

I "accidentally" slept through my first class today. I woke up, discovered that I couldn't breathe very well and decided to turn over and go back to sleep. Ah...sleep, it feels so good...but then, I had to wake up to go to my second class. We were talking about Aphasia (something that I know about, but not everything), so I kind of had to go. Now, I'm getting ready to write my Spanish paper. Fabulous...8pages on Perú and Bolivia. Should be great! hehehe

Despite being sick and seeming to have lots of stress around me, I'm doing great. I haven't really thought more about my relationship with God and the people around me. It's been put on the backburner although I know that it is something very important that I should think about. I finished a song the other day, now I'm just trying to put it to music. So I guess I just wrote lyrics. Oh's a start.

So in this post, I am dedicating it to all of the people who bring smiles to my face. Thank you to Shannon for singing ridiculous musical songs with me, thanks to Jamalyn for letting me make fun of her and taking it so lightheartedly with the giggle..., to Mattie for being eternally optimisitic despite whatever drama he is going through, to Mel for being so obsessed with boobs (don't even ask), to my nieces and nephew, my brothers, my parents, my other friends. Joey, Shawn, Mark, Erin, Renee, Kara, Laura, Heather, Sharla, etc....THANK YOU! Thanks for being there and helping me to understand whatever situation I am going through and allowing me to be part of your life.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

hoping for a good night's sleep...

Ah....time to go to bed. Hopefully it will be an uneventful night. Mattie just called. He went on a date tonight with a boy that he has liked for a long time. It seems so funny to me and so lucky for him that this guy calls right when Mattie needs some cheering up. Yay! I think that he is starting to understand the grandpa situation, but at the same time, he still doesn't get the whole situation with his dad. I guess that we all have problems with our parents, but it seems to be at least 10 time harder with his. His mom has basically stopped supporting him in whatever he does since he came out and his dad never really cared since he and Mattie's mom split up. BITCHES!

Be accepting people. Are people who have "weird" sexual tendencies really that different? NO! Is it fair for us to judge them? I know what my answer is, but obviously much of the world doesn't agree with me. To me, you are a person. It doesn't matter what race, religion (or lack thereof, huh James...), or sexual orientation you are. Sometimes its hard, I'm not going to lie. But essentially, we are all the same.

So get over it people!

a post.

So last night, my friend Mattie reached into my sleep-induced coma with three simple text messages and pulls me out for an emergency hug on the middle of LowerBourke. I run outside into the freezing cold in a sweatshirt and capri pajama pants to meet a very distraught Mattie. I hug him tightly and he starts to cry. What do I do now? I do what I normally do...stroke the head, shh..., squeeze tighter. What else is there to do? The story unfolds--his asshole of a Dad, his grandpa that was just taken off of life support, and Matt, caught somewhere in the middle of Las Vegas and Kansas City. All I can do is hug him and be there for him.

And you know...

...sometimes that is just the thing that we need. We don't want somebody to ask questions or accuse us...just be there and support me no matter what I am going through. Whether you think I am at the right stage is insignificant. Just be there with me.

I come back to crawl back into my warm bed when I am stopped short by my friend Katie. It was obvious that she had been crying and so I mentally started preparing myself for another battle of being. Her friend's fiancee from her old school (transfer) was just killed today in Iraq. Katie is confused and pissed and well, yeah. He was on his way from his regular safehouse to a new one and ran over a bomb. The chaplain called her friend (his parents aren't in the picture) and told her that if there were any remains, they would be sent home.


I can NOT EVEN IMAGINE what that would be like. Planning a life together, having BOUGHT A HOUSE together, telling everyone that he was okay because he was at a safehouse, getting married when he gets back in TWO MONTHS. And then, going about your normal daily business and recieving a call that he is gone. The love of your life. She will always wonder what could have been. What it would have been like.

And I worry about my little test. Wow...

Thursday, November 04, 2004


I just finished writing a letter to a wonderful woman who was a senior and my mother last year. She helped me through so much and now, she's getting married! It's amazing...she wasn't expecting it or anything but now, wow. hehee champagne buzz just kicked in! I don't want to get married for a while...or have kids. I want to, but not even close to now. I Need to go to grad school first. OH, grad awful it would to be a mule, and uncool, swimming in a pool, licking up drool. awowow.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

too depressed to think of a title...

So Bush. It's unbelievable. After all of the shit that he has put us through, how is it that this country still elects him to the presidency? The PRESIDENCY! What the hell has he done in the last four years? What do people REALLY think he is going to do in the next four? All I can think of is that I really hope he fucks up. Fucks up in some big way so that the country will realize that wow, democrats do have a brain. It confuses me that the District of Columbia votes for Kerry...people! Do you think that they might know something that we don't? THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT ARE AROUND IT ALL THE TIME!

They know something, why can't we also pay attention? Or, what is it that they know that made them go 90% Kerry that we don't???

Monday, November 01, 2004

religious quiz...

So, I took this quiz on-line called the Belief-o-matic. It asks you to answer questions based on what you believe. Based on those questions, it gives you a list of religions that best fits your beliefs. Here's mine:

1. Liberal Quakers (100%)
2. Bahá'í Faith (94%)
3. Neo-Pagan (94%)
4. Reform Judaism (94%)
5. Unitarian Universalism (92%)
6. New Age (89%)
7. Sikhism (81%)
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (78%)
9. Mahayana Buddhism (77%)
10. Jainism (67%)
11. Hinduism (66%)
12. New Thought (63%)
13. Orthodox Judaism (61%)
14. Secular Humanism (61%)
15. Scientology (59%)
16. Taoism (55%)
17. Islam (53%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (53%)
19. Theravada Buddhism (50%)
20. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (49%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (33%)
22. Seventh Day Adventist (28%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (26%)
24. Jehovah's Witness (25%)
25. Nontheist (24%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (20%)
27. Roman Catholic (20%)

How strange...the last one on the list is the one that I was raised in, the one that I think that I believe in but yet when I read over the descriptions of the religions/beliefs at the top of the list, they make so much more sense to me...confusing.