Friday, November 12, 2004

a mood to end all moods...

Listening to Yellowcard, reading about Yellowcard, and thinking about Yellowcard have been dominating my life the past few days. I'm not really sure as to why. I think that maybe it's because I identify with a lot of their songs--with a lot of their lyrics. I love it...that's it.

Anyways, despite my current overly-obsessive YC mood, I'm doing fine.

Staying quiet, keeping to myself, staying out of the drama that always seems to surround me here at school. Despite the fact that I try to stay out and that I think it is finished, I always find something out that drags me right back in. I'm a laid back person but yet so many people here cause me to be so high-strung. I worry too much, I know...but so much of what happens here at school gives me just cause to worry. I feel as if I really only have one person here at school that I can tell anything to and that I know for SURE that nothing of what I say will get back around. I've always needed someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of and not having that here hurts.

It hurts that I have no one to talk to, yet I can't talk to anyone else but someone from here because so many of the things that I need to vent about can only be understood by someone that knows all of the characters. I hate venting now. I feel as if I'm shutting down. I don't want to let anyone in anymore because if I do, I will ultimately be hit across the face with it. It will always be..."remember that time that you were a bitch?" or "I hated being around you..." Thanks people! Thanks a whole fucking lot. I go to school here. That doesn't mean that I have to share my life story or my secrets with you. We are friends, yes, but that does not mean that we have to know everything about each other. If I'm a bitch one day, there are probably two or three of your days that match my one. So just let me have my days, sometimes I need them.

We all do.

Despite the drama, I'm still gettting good grades and was inducted tonight into the Spanish Honors Society, Sigma Delta Pi. Yay...another thing to put on the resume for grad school, another weekly meeting. Going to Lawrence tomorrow for a wonderful dance production by our choreographer Susan from the show we created last year (Lost). Very excited to be going with good friends to get off of this campus.

Despite the overly-evident pessimism in this post, things are going well. I need a break, but I don't want to go home. I need a break from people, a retreat, a time to be all by myself. I just want to think, to feel the feelings that I've been supressing for a while now. Perhaps I should go for a drive, maybe that would help...

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