Friday, January 28, 2005

i'm riding through the desert on a post with no name

I'm sitting here listening to my "pensamientos" (thoughts) playlist right now and thinking. A lot has been going through my head lately. I feel (sometimes) as if I've come to a new and more intense level of understanding about my relationships with people, my loves and fears, and myself. I have been a big introvert lately, my usual outbursts and overwhelming attitude have calmed down quite a bit. I think, however, that this is a good thing. I am very confused about many things right now. My fears, I've realized, are playing a big role in how I view myself and how my self-image affects the type of person I am around people.

I am afraid that I have too few deep connections with people. I don't mean being really close to someone...I mean the deeper connection that comes after spending hours upon hours talking about the things that really matter--life, death, happiness, fears, etc. Sometimes I really feel that only 2 or 3 people have a strong sense of who I am. Not only do these people have a certain level of understanding about me...they have accepted my shortcomings. And, while sometimes my shortcomings may be extremely annoying, they have learned to put up with them. For me, the deep connections with people are so vitally important to my sense of being. So, feeling as if I have 2 or 3 of these these deeper connections happen naturally? Is there anything that one can do to speed up the process?

I've been thinking a lot lately about mortality and the fact that all of us will die. When a good friend or a close family member dies, I'm sure that you have all heard their survivor say something to the effect of "I would give anything just to talk to them one more time." My fear is that when I come to the end of my journey, that I will no longer be wanted. I realize that it is very narcissistic to be wondering about this...but it makes my blood run cold. To me, that would be the ultimate rejection. If I died many people would be there saying that they would give anything to talk to ME one more time. What can I do during this short life of mine that will ensure that people will be happy for me at my death, knowing that I completed my goals and that I did lead a happy and balanced life?

I have also been thinking a lot about those people that just seem to "get it." They seem to understand that life is more than the little stuff that goes on everyday. Those people that don't worry about the petty stuff but instead understand that sometimes, there truly is a bigger issue. These people always seem to be the ones that can sense when you just need a hug. Some days, I feel as if I am alone. I think that no one understands me. I feel as if I have to put my guard up, this thick facade that I am so used to hiding beind. But then the people who "get it" suddenly show up with open arms and an open mind and heart. They help you to get through the funk that you're in. But how do you become one of these people? I try to be selfless and to forget about the little things that don't really matter but, too often I'm afraid, I slip back into the pattern of self-doubt and self-absorption.

So where's the solution? Some say I need to pray over these issues. I have tried, so I would appreciate any other suggestions that may be forthcoming. Does anyone have a solution? After an extremely long conversation with two aquaintances/friends this evening, I've come closer to the realization that all people ponder these questions although no one talks about it openly. And the ending is always the same..."I don't know," "I've always wondered about that," "I feel the same way."

Please, if by some miracle you have found the answers to any of these questions...send your wise old sage my way.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Take this quiz....

By the way....things are going okay. I'm going through a lot of changes right now but I would prefer to kind of keep them inside...unless you are one of the privileged!! HAHA

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

so...a new page.

I talked to a friend for a long time last night. I talked to my mom today. I think I'm moving out. I'm probably going to have a single room. Lots of stuff has been going on. I'm stressed and unhappy. I still love my roommate to death but I think that we're better apart. This sucks. It's too hard.

But should "hard" prevent me from happiness?

Monday, January 10, 2005

not stuck, but back...

Hello everyone! I am now back in Kansas City for school. It has been wonderful to have this break. I've learned a lot--mostly, I have gained more insights into myself, although they are not obvious or really noteworthy.

Let's see...some fun Christmas break stories.

I went to see Rent the musical. It was so much fun. I went with some good friends and has a wonderful day that ended up at my house watching the movie "Saved" with Mandy Moore and Jena Malone. Umm...let's see...I went on a day with my dad, brother, and nieces and nephew in celebration of my dad's birthday. We went to the Zoo, the art museum, and the Science Center. Ended that one at El Nopal.

Well...I have to go. My roommate and her boyfriend are trying to sleep...I miss having my own room.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

stuck in kansas city!!!!

Hello everyone...(okay, basically...Jamie)! Here I am in Kansas City--not for school, but for babysitting. I've been here the past few days and while it has been fun, I am ready to come home. Apparently, though, the weather feels like I should stay. So far, about an inch of ice and snow that is still coming down prevents me from hopping on 70 to make my way back towards Dutzow. Bah! So, if you recieve this SOS, please, by all me! Take me away from this madness! hehe...just kidding. The Hudson's have been great. I'm staying here tonight at their house, and hopefully, I'll be able to come home tomorrow. WELL, I'm off to check the weather. Perhaps I will post later on this evening, as I feel that I am intruding on their parent-kid time and therefore am pretty much confined to the basement where (granted) I have a computer, a queen sized bed, my own bathroom, a big screen TV with cable and a DVD player, and a nice fireplace that is currently occupied by a nice fire.

Wait...why do I want to go home again?