Friday, January 28, 2005

i'm riding through the desert on a post with no name

I'm sitting here listening to my "pensamientos" (thoughts) playlist right now and thinking. A lot has been going through my head lately. I feel (sometimes) as if I've come to a new and more intense level of understanding about my relationships with people, my loves and fears, and myself. I have been a big introvert lately, my usual outbursts and overwhelming attitude have calmed down quite a bit. I think, however, that this is a good thing. I am very confused about many things right now. My fears, I've realized, are playing a big role in how I view myself and how my self-image affects the type of person I am around people.

I am afraid that I have too few deep connections with people. I don't mean being really close to someone...I mean the deeper connection that comes after spending hours upon hours talking about the things that really matter--life, death, happiness, fears, etc. Sometimes I really feel that only 2 or 3 people have a strong sense of who I am. Not only do these people have a certain level of understanding about me...they have accepted my shortcomings. And, while sometimes my shortcomings may be extremely annoying, they have learned to put up with them. For me, the deep connections with people are so vitally important to my sense of being. So, feeling as if I have 2 or 3 of these these deeper connections happen naturally? Is there anything that one can do to speed up the process?

I've been thinking a lot lately about mortality and the fact that all of us will die. When a good friend or a close family member dies, I'm sure that you have all heard their survivor say something to the effect of "I would give anything just to talk to them one more time." My fear is that when I come to the end of my journey, that I will no longer be wanted. I realize that it is very narcissistic to be wondering about this...but it makes my blood run cold. To me, that would be the ultimate rejection. If I died many people would be there saying that they would give anything to talk to ME one more time. What can I do during this short life of mine that will ensure that people will be happy for me at my death, knowing that I completed my goals and that I did lead a happy and balanced life?

I have also been thinking a lot about those people that just seem to "get it." They seem to understand that life is more than the little stuff that goes on everyday. Those people that don't worry about the petty stuff but instead understand that sometimes, there truly is a bigger issue. These people always seem to be the ones that can sense when you just need a hug. Some days, I feel as if I am alone. I think that no one understands me. I feel as if I have to put my guard up, this thick facade that I am so used to hiding beind. But then the people who "get it" suddenly show up with open arms and an open mind and heart. They help you to get through the funk that you're in. But how do you become one of these people? I try to be selfless and to forget about the little things that don't really matter but, too often I'm afraid, I slip back into the pattern of self-doubt and self-absorption.

So where's the solution? Some say I need to pray over these issues. I have tried, so I would appreciate any other suggestions that may be forthcoming. Does anyone have a solution? After an extremely long conversation with two aquaintances/friends this evening, I've come closer to the realization that all people ponder these questions although no one talks about it openly. And the ending is always the same..."I don't know," "I've always wondered about that," "I feel the same way."

Please, if by some miracle you have found the answers to any of these questions...send your wise old sage my way.


At 4:09 PM, Blogger _1_ said...

Bethy-poo, I love you! And I don't mean to start with a corny introduction, but it's a reminder how much I really do love you. That small number of close connections is nothing to be upset about. Wouldn't you rather know you have that really close connection with a few people rather than several? I think there are certain levels of friendship; not to say that one is greater than the other, but you're going to have acquaintences, friends, and good friends all at different rates. And I think it is natural.

I don't think anyone "gets it." At least, not anyone I have met. I don't think there is one, attainable "it" everyone strives to achieve in life. It's not until we die we can look back and notice what we've accomplished. Or, it's not until we die others can look at our lives and notice what we've accomplished. People will mourn for anyone's death, and to think that no one will miss you or regret one more minute... that's a sign of underestimation of the vast majority of people who care for you on all those different levels. Anyone you meet is so touched by you, Beth, and your genuine, loving, addictive personality. Everybody can't get enough of you!! As far as the people you say "get it," who look over the insignificant matters in life, they may not realize they have what you perceive as "it." Perhaps they're learning what "it" is from you.

Have a good day, hon!


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